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Funny Animal Picture
Funny Cat Video
Description: This video always gives me a good a laugh and a tear because it's so funny.
I think he Can Dance
So You Think You Can Dance contestant Robert Muraine has some of the best moves Ive ever seen in my life. The guy can pop ..
entertainment
Medical problem Funny Joke
"Doc, you gotta help me, I can't remember anything!"
The doc asks, "How long have you had this problem?"
The guy says, "What problem?"
drug store Medical joke
see a doctor". His friend said "Don't do that. There's a computer in
the drug store that can diagnose anything. It's quicker and cheaper
than visiting a doctor. Simply put a urine sample in the machine and
it will diagnose your problem and tell you what to do about it. It
only costs $10.00."
Pete figured he had nothing to lose so he filled a jar with a urine
sample. He went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in
the sample and deposited $10.00. The computer started to make a weird
nose and various lights began to flash. After a brief pause, a small
slip of paper printed. It said:
You have tennis elbow.
Soak your arm in warm water,
avoid heavy labor,
it will be better in two weeks.
Later that evening, while thinking how amazing that computer was, Pete
began to wonder if it could be fooled. He decided to give it a try.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from
his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masterbated into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, poured the sample into the machine and
deposited $10.00. The machinhe again made the usual noise and printed out
the following analysis:
Your water is hard,
get a softener.
Your dog has worms,
get him shots.
Your daughter's using cocaine,
get her into a rehab clinic.
Your wife's pregnant,
it's not yours,
get a lawyer.
And if you don't stop jerking off,
Your tennis elbow will never get better!
cosmetic-surgeon medical joke
Surgeon: 'Only when you get my bill, Mrs Brown'.
dentist's office Medical Joke
The Wife said, "I want a tooth pulled. I
don't want gas or Novocain because I'm in
a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as
quickly as possible."
You're a brave woman said the dentist. Now,
show me which tooth it is.
The wife turns to her husband and says "Open
your mouth and show the dentist which tooth
it is, dear."
ringing medical joke
He said, "Don't answer it!"
six months medical joke
But the patient doesn't pay his bill on time, so the doctor gives
him another six months.
psychiatrist Medical Joke
suggests they start with a Rorschach Test. He holds up the first
picture and asks the man what he sees.
"A man and a woman making love in a park," the man replies.
The psychiatrist holds up the second picture and asks the man what
he sees.
"A man and a woman making love in a boat."
He holds up the third picture.
"A man and a woman making love at the beach."
This goes on for the rest of the set of pictures; the man says he
sees a man and a woman making love in every one of the pictures.
At the end of the test, the psychiatrist looks over his notes and
says, "It looks like you have a preoccupation with sex."
And the man replies, "Well, you're the one with the dirty pictures."
my will medical joke
"Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult
you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that
I had mentioned you in my will."
"That is very kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and
then added, "Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I'd
like to make a little change..."
brain transplants medical joke
"Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. The bad
news is that you have an inoperable brain tumor. The good
news is our hospital has just been certified to do brain
transplants and there has been an accident right out front
and a young couple was killed and you can have whichever
brain you'd like. The man's brain costs $100,000.00 and the
woman's brain costs "30,000.00."
The patient could not help but ask, "Why such a large
difference between the male and the female brain?"
The doctor replied, "The female brain is used."
What the difference between medical joke
- Herpes lasts forever
Good News First Medical Joke
"You've got AIDS."
"Oh, no! What could be worse than that?"
"You've also got Alzheimer's Disease."
"Oh. Well, that's not so bad. At least I don't have AIDS."
bad news and good news Medical Joke
Harry answers the telephone, and it's an Emergency Room doctor.
The doctor says, "Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have bad
news and good
news. The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and
will need help
eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life."
Harry says, "My God. What's the good news?"
The doctor says, "I'm kidding. She's dead."
A man spoke frantically into the phone.. Funny Joke
A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her
contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the
emergency operator asked. "No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her
husband!"
Vote for the joke that you really like by checking a box next to it. Then press the VOTE button to submit your votes.
Woman And Doctor Medical Joke
A woman consulted a doctor, explaining that for many years she
sufferred from excessive
flatulance, but there was never any sound or smell so she had done
nothing about it until
now. So the Dr. took down all of her medical history,a process that
took quite a while. At
the end, the woman says, "You see, Dr Smyth while I've been sitting
here talking to you
I've broken wind five times, but there's no sound and no smell." At
this point, the Dr.
scribbled something on a pad, ripped off a sheet and handed it to the
woman. "What's
this?" she asked, "some pills?" "No", replied Dr Smyth, "that is a
prescription for a
hearing aid: come in next week, and we'll operate on your nose."
Note:-Vote for the joke that you really like by checking a box next to it.
Then press the VOTE button to submit your votes.
Stuttering Problem Medical joke
A guy walks into his doctor's office and says, "Ddddoc, I've bbbeen sssttttuttering ffor yyears and III'm tired of it. Ccccan yyyou hehehelp mmme???"
The doc says, "Well, I'll have to examine you first before I can answer you."
The doc examines him and says, "Well, I'm pretty sure that I know what the problem is."
The guy asks, "wwwell wwwhat is it, ddoc?"
The doc says,"It's your penis. It's about about 18 inches long and all of the down pressure is putting a strain on your vocal chords."
The guy asks, "Wwwhat ccan wwe ddo about it?"
The doc replies, "Well, I can cut it off and transplant a shorter one. I can guarantee that the operation will cure your stuttering."
The guy says, "Dddo it!"
The guy has the operation and about four weeks later he comes back to the doctor's office and says, "Thanks Doc. You've solved my problem and I don't stutter any more but I've only had sex once in the past month. My wife doesn't enjoy it any more. I cannot satisfy her. She liked my long penis. I don't care if I have to stutter, I want you to put my long one back one!"
The doc replies, "Nnnnope. A ddddeal's a ddddeal!"
Note:- Vote for the joke that you really like by checking a box next to it. Then press the VOTE button to submit your votes.
Need Samples Funny medical Joke
An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical, his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room, he tells the old man, "I need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample."
The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells: "WHAT?"
"What did he say? What's he want?"
His wife yells back, "He needs your underwear."
Note:-Vote for the joke that you really like by checking a box next to it. Then press the VOTE button to submit your votes.
35 Face Balls in 32 Seconds Movies
35 Face Balls in 32 Seconds Candy camera Movies
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Little Pig Takes On A Very Big Tiger ..the winner will steal your heart.
Pig vs Lion
Description: This wild boar decides to take on a lion. The outcome isn't what you'd expect.
Popular Mule
A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly.
At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head "Yes" and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head, "No" and mumble a reply. Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.
The farmer replied, ''The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would ask, 'You wanna sell that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'"
Running Machine: Funny Bear Cartoon Animation
كرتون رائع للدب الضاحك استمتع به و هوه يحاول ان يتمرن
Submit Your Joke عايز تسجل افشاتك او نكتك
I'm currently creating a collection of funny jokes, video, and pictures.
Here's the catch, send me your funniest joke or picture at aboutallgate@gmail.com (or post it in comment area) and if I think that it is unique and funny I will post it in my blog and put a link-back to your site telling that you submitted the joke.
Please follow the format below.
Name:
Web-site:
Joke:
**If you're interested in link exchange please send a mail to the given e-mail address**
Thank You!
عايز تشارك معانا فى النكت و المواضيع
ابعت النكته او موضوعك على
او حطها فى التعليقات على الموضوع ده
مع اسمك
و اسم السيت بتاعك
و طبعا متنساش تبعتلنا النكته
و بس يا عم هننشرها فى اقرب وقت بعد مراجعتها اهم حاجه تكون نكته محترمه موت و طبعا مفهاش كلام من الذى يحاسب عليه القانون
شكرا
لو مهتم بتبادل اللينكات قشطه ابعتلى على الايميل ده بردو
The Two Nuns Funny Joke
There were two nuns...
One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most?
What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.
Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened.
The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.
And for those of you who thought it would be dirty, say two Hail Mary's!
Tricking a Nun Funny Joke
A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.
The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."
The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."
The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.
The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.
After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "
The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"
A Smart Child Funny Joke
A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry what is your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third -grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"
The teacher had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. The teacher agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9".
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36".
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the third-grade."
The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?"
The principal and Harry both agree.
The teacher asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment, "Legs."
Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!
Harry replied, "Pockets."
Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants"
Teacher: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Harry: Coconut
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry was taking charge.
Teacher: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?
Harry: Bubblegum
Teacher: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.
Harry: Shake hands
Teacher: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?
Harry: Yep.
Teacher: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.
Harry: Tent
Teacher: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.
Principal was looking restless and bit tense.
Harry: Wedding Ring
Teacher: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.
Harry: Nose
Teacher: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Harry: Arrow
Teacher: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of excitement?
Harry: Firetruck
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I missed the last ten questions myself."
A Smart Blonde Funny Joke
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa."
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay, " says the lawyer, "your turn".
She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00.
The blonde says, "Thank you, " and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
Philosophy Class
A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks about 2" in diameter. He then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that it was.
So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.
The students laughed. The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. "Now," said the professor, "I want you to recognize that this is your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health, your children - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, and your car. The sand is everything else. The small stuff. If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you.
Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal." "Take care of the rocks first - the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."
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The Butler Funny Joke
A wealthy couple prepared to go out for the evening. The woman of the house gave their butler, Jervis, the night off. She said they would return home very late, and she hoped he would enjoy his evening. The wife wasn’t having a good time at the party. So, she came home early, alone. Her husband stayed on, socializing with important clients. As the woman walked into her house, she found Jervis by himself in the dining room.
She called him to follow her, and led him into the master bedroom.
She turned to him and said, in the voice she knew he must obey, “Jervis, I want you to take off my dress.” This he did, hanging it carefully over a chair.
“Jervis,” she continued, “now take off my stockings and garter belt.” Again, Jervis silently obeyed.
“Now, Jervis, I want you to remove my bra and panties.” Eyes downcast, Jervis obeyed. Both were breathing heavily, the tension mounting between them.
She looked sternly at him and said, “Jervis, if I ever catch you wearing my stuff again, you’re fired!”
A Cowboy's Life Funny Joke
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.
"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. "Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!" Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post.
He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."
Alligator Funny Joke
Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single.
One day, the millionaire decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests, I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars, or my daughter, to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!" As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large splash in the pool. The guy in the pool was swimming with all his might, and the crowd began to cheer him on. Finally, he made it to the other side of the pool unharmed.
The millionaire was impressed. He said, "That was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well, I must keep my end of the bargain. Do you want my daughter or the one million dollars?" The guy catches his breath, then says, "Listen, I don't want your money! And I don't want your daughter! I want the bastard who pushed me in the pool!"
Big Sale Funny Joke
It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale and some advertising in the local paper were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30 in the morning in front of the store.
A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colorful curses.
On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again. As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line, "That does it! If they hit me one more time, I won't open the damn store!"
A Drunk Man Funny Joke
A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked," Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"
"My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, a contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of bath." "Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does..."
A Sign From God Funny Joke
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman.
Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days." Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!"
"This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man, The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."
A Priest and A Nun Funny Joke
A priest and a nun were lost in a snowstorm. After a while, they came upon a small cabin. Being exhausted, they prepared to go to sleep. There was a stack of blankets and a sleeping bag on the floor but only one bed.
Being a gentleman, the priest said, "Sister, you sleep on the bed. I'll sleep on the floor in the sleeping bag." Just as he got zipped up in the bag and was beginning to fall asleep, the nun said "Father, I'm cold."
He unzipped the sleeping bag, got up, got the blanket and put it on her. Once again, he got into the sleeping bag, zipped it up and started to drift off to sleep when the nun once again said, "Father, I'm still very cold."
He unzipped the bag, got up again, put another blanket on her and got into the sleeping bag once again. Just as his eyes closed, she said, "Father, I'm sooooo cold."
This time, he remained there and said, "Sister, I have an idea. We're out here in the wilderness where no one will ever know what happened. Let's pretend we're married." The nun said, "That's fine by me."
To which the priest yelled out, "Get up and get your own stupid blanket!"
MIT Student Funny Joke
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young engineer who was fresh out of MIT, "What starting salary were you thinking about?"
The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?" The Engineer sat up straight and said,
"Wow! Are you kidding?"
The interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."
The Nonbeliever Funny Joke
One time, she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull out her Bible, he gave a little chuckle and went back to what he was doing. After awhile, he turned to her and asked, "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?"
The lady replied, "Of course I do. It is the Bible." He said, "Well, what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?"
She replied, "Oh, Jonah. Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible." He asked, "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?"
The lady said, "Well, I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven, I will ask him."
"What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically.
"Then you can ask him." replied the lady.
Technorati Tags: Funny Joke,humor
Englishman, American, Irishman
An Englishman, an American and an Irishman are called upon to test a lie detector.
The Englishman says: "I think I can empty 20 bottles of beer". BUZZZZZZ, goes the lie detector. "Ok", he says, "10 bottles". And the machine is silent.
The American says: "I think I can eat 15 hamburgers". BUZZZZZZ, goes the lie detector. "All right, 8 hamburgers". And the machine's silent.
The Irishman says: "I think...", BUZZZZZZ goes the machine.
Three Men's Death
Three men died and went to heaven. When they got to the pearly gates, St. Peter stopped them and said, "Due to over population, I can only let one of you in. Whoever can tell me the best story of his death can enter Heaven."
The first guy began his story: "I lived on the 25th floor of a high rise apartment building. Every day when I went to work, my nosy neighbor called me and said that there was a stranger in my house and that he could hear wild, passionate loving making noises. I finally got fed up with it and decide to go home at lunch time and check things out. When I got home my wife was sitting on the couch naked. I got extremely upset. I went through the house searching everywhere. Under the table, in the closet, even under the bed. I couldn't find anyone. Then I looked outside on the balcony and saw two hands hanging onto the ledge. I ran outside looked down at him and noticed that he wasn't wearing any pants. I took off my shoe and started beating his hands. He fell 25 stories and landed on the canvas in front of the building. He wasn't dead. So I rolled the refrigerator out and pushed it on top of him. When I did, I had a massive heart attack and died."
The second man's story: "I am a window washer at a high rise apartment building. I was washing windows on the 27th floor when my scaffold broke. My pants got caught on the scaffold and ripped off. I managed to stay alive by grabbing a ledge of a balcony. I was okay until this guy started beating my hands with his shoes. I fell and landed on the canvas in front of the building. I was still alive. Then the next thing I know, a refrigerator landed on me and I died."
The third story: "Well, I was in this refrigerator minding my own business....
The Lawyer Funny Joke
One day, there was this lawyer who had just bought a new car, and he was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when all of a sudden an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took of the driver's side door with him standing right there.
"NOOO!" he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it never would be the same. Finally, a cop came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling.
"MY JAGUAR DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!!!" he exclaimed. "Your a lawyer aren't you?" asked the policeman. "Yes, I am, but what does this have to do with my car?!?!" the lawyer asked. "HA! Your lawyers are always so materialistic. All you care about is your possessions. I bet you didn't even notice that your left arm is missing did you?" the cop said.
The lawyer looked down at his side and exclaimed "MY ROLEX!"
A Doctor and A Lawyer
A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"
"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill." The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he looked in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.
The Generous Barber
One day a florist goes for a haircut. After the cut, he goes to pay the barber and the barber replies: "I am sorry. I cannot accept money from you, I am doing a community service". The florist is happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, there is a card and a dozen roses waiting at his door. A butcher goes for a haircut the next day and he also goes to pay the barber and the barber replies: "I am sorry. I cannot accept money from you. I am doing a community service". The butcher is happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning the barber goes to open his shop and there is a thank you card and a package of steaks waiting at his door.
The next day a Fireman goes for a haircut and goes to pay the barber. The barber replies: "I am sorry. I cannot accept money from you, I am doing a community service".
The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, guess what he finds at the door?
Can you guess?
Come on, think like a Fireman....
....two dozen other Firemen waiting for free haircuts!
I do like the way you think! Funny joke
A little boy is in school working on his arithmetic. The teacher says, "Imagine there are 5 black birds sitting on a fence. You pick up your BB gun and shoot one. How many blackbirds are left?"
The little boy thinks for a moment and says, "NONE!" The teacher replies, "None, how do you figure that?" The little boy says, if I shoot one, all the other birds will fly away scared, leaving none on the fence." The teacher replies, "Hmm, not exactly, but I do like the way you think!"
The little boy then says, "Teacher, let me ask you a question.
There are 3 women sitting on a park bench eating ice cream cones. One is licking her cone, another is biting it and the third one is sucking it. How can you tell which one of the women is married?"
The teacher ponders the question uncomfortably and then finally replies, "Well, I guess the one sucking her cone."
To which the little boy replies, "Actually, its the one with the wedding ring, but I do like the way YOU think!"
FBI Job Interview Funny Joke
FBI Job Interview
3 men where at the FBI Building for a job interview.
The first man walked into the office . The interviewing FBI agent said "To be in the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room. I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun." The man took the gun, hesitated, and said "Sorry, I can't do it."
The next interviewee came into the office. The Agent said "To be in the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room.I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun." The man took the gun, walked into the room, then walked out. "Sorry," he said.
The last man came into the office. The inverviewer said "To be in the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room. I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun." The man took the gun and went into the room. The Agent heard 6 shots, silence, then a lot of screaming.
The man came out of the room and said "Someone loaded the gun with blanks, so I beat her to death with the curtain railing!"
News Headline - Afghan Hero
One day a woman was attacked by a dog. A man rescues her. The reporter interviews him and the headlines next day……
“U.K citizen saves woman from rabid dog”
The man tells the reporter that he was not from U.K. Next day…
“Local Hero saves woman from rabid dog”
The man tells the reporter that he was from Afghanistan and not a Local Hero
Next day….News Headlines….
“Terrorist attacks local dog”
New Jersey Hunters funny joke
New Jersey Hunters
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“
NASA's great achievement
NASA's great achievement
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300°C.
The Russians used a pencil.
Two Guys in a Bar funny joke
Two guys are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, “I slept with your mother!” The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells, “I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!”
The other says, “Go home dad you’re drunk.”
The Donkey and The Farmer
The Donkey and The Farmer
One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.
Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.
He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well.
At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.
A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.
As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.
NOW --------
Enough of that crap . . .
The donkey later came back and bit the shit out of the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected, and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.
MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:
When you do something wrong and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you.
A Woman with Her Baby funny joke
A Woman with Her Baby
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says:
“That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!”
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming.
She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”
The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off –
go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”
